“I was jealous of my wife’s success, i became her biggest enemy” – Mr B

So, I got this message from Mr. B in my Email to publish on Real People Real Issues.

His Story:

My sister my story is long o but let me try and cut it short. I am sharing this story because many men have the problem I had in my marriage.

The problem I had in my marriage is that I married a woman who was more ambitious and hardworking than me. It was hard for me because I was raised to see a man as the one who must be more successful than a woman. I was raised to believe that the man must be making more money than the woman. So my ego could not handle it at first.

We live abroad and my wife is a very intelligent go getter type of woman. She is more intelligent and more hardworking than me and it was hard for me to accept this. I brought the woman abroad, she studied nursing, before you know it she has upgraded to Nurse practitioner and was making way more money than me. She is more financially successful than me.

In the beginning of our marriage it was very hard for me to cope with her highly driven nature. I wanted her to slow down and wait for me. As a man it is not easy to see your wife work harder than you and no matter how you try, the woman no dey tire she will be doing 5 things at the same time and is brilliant at all of them. Whatever she touches turns to gold.

It became a major problem for me to keep up with her. I started competing with my wife, and that introduced major rivalry between us. It was the worst mistake I ever made. In trying to compete with her, I was putting obstacles in the way of her success so that I can catch up with her. This introduced a lot of discord in our marriage.

First of all I refused to help out with the house chores. We don’t have any help and we had 4 children. I will refuse to cook even though I knew how to cook so that my wife will spend time cooking and be slowed down in her progress. I wanted her to be tired so she won’t have the energy to be working so hard in her career. I wanted her to defer exams and stay home with the kids for a while so I can earn more than her.

So I just frustrated her with house work and looking after the kids. I told her it was a woman’s job to do that. I tried to stay away from the house as much as possible so I won’t even be there to help. She did as much as she could but before long, we were quarrelling a lot. I will even eat and leave the plate for her to wash. If she talks I will tell her I brought her abroad and she should never forget that.

We will argue so much. She will cry and beg me to support her and stay home if I am not working so I can help out with the kids but I will refuse. Then she will get angry and we will exchange words. I will always accuse her of disrespecting me because she is succeeding. I told her her success has entered her head. There is nothing I didn’t do to slow this woman down. To the point of denying her sex and cheating on her to get back at her for her success.

Yet this woman made friends easily and those friends helped her with minding the kids, and then she was able to apply for a visa for her mum to come. I was hoping the visa will be refused but it was granted so her mum came. With her mum coming, staying for a few months, going for a few weeks and coming again, she had more time and she progressed fast and got to the top of her career.

She is so intelligent that passing exams was so easy. Meanwhile me I struggled to pass my own exams. Her own is one touch she passed. I think I can say that I was jealous of my wife, I was jealous of her success. I wanted that success for myself and I was very foolish in doing that.

As she became more successful I became a bigger enemy of that success. The conflict in our marriage got worse. Just to frustrate her I will complain about everything. I moved out of our room – just the sight of her made me feel less of a man. I had serious inferiority complex. It was bad. Knowing that she is a family oriented woman who wanted us to stay together and raise our kids, I will keep threatening divorce to scare her and it used to scare her a lot.

She kept crying and begging me. Each time I act my drama, she begs and begs and I will keep reminding her that I was the one who brought her abroad and that she is nothing without me. She will always express her gratitude to me and she really tried to be a good wife but nothing she did was enough for me. Her mother did her best to try and reconcile us but I wasn’t listening. All I wanted was for her to stop earning more money than me but I couldn’t say it so I don’t sound wicked.

Until one day, I don’t know what happened to my wife. But she came home and asked for separation and divorce on that faithful day. Her grounds was severe emotional abuse and neglect; she said we hadn’t slept in the same bed or made love for over 2 years, so we were practically separated. I was so shocked. When the reality dawned on me that this woman was serious, and the implications to me, having to move out of the house I pay the mortgage, having to pay child support and the damage to my children. I truly did not want the marriage to end. But the cracks in the marriage were huge. All caused by me. She said she can no longer cope with the stress in the marriage. It was affecting her mental health and she was making mistakes at work.

Before I knew it she got a lawyer who was representing her. That was when I knew I had bitten more than I could chew. I have a good friend who knows everything and he had been warning me that I was going to lose a good woman but I refused to listen. I told my friend what was happening and he advised me to swallow my ego and start asking my wife for forgiveness. Omo this was what I did o. She was surprised. She said she thought that was what I wanted. That I hated her so much. This woman cried so much from the pain and suffering I caused her for 12 good years. But she agreed to give us another chance.

She insisted that we must attend marriage counselling and continue sleeping apart until we worked through our issues. After several months of marriage counselling my eyes opened to the beast I was and to all the nonsense I believed in. I was so ashamed of myself for punishing a woman for being hardworking, intelligent and progressive.

We made so much progress. I have apologised to my wife nothing less than 100 times since then. I have cried and asked her for forgiveness and she has since forgiven me. We have started anew and so far it is working.

We have been married for 15 yrs now and I am glad I stayed.

I am particularly directing my advice at men. As more women are getting educated and rising to the top in their careers, prepare yourself to accept that one of these women might become your wife one day. Prepare to accept her success. Prepare your mind to see her success as yours. Orepare your mind to be proud of her and celebrate her rather than work against her. We all have our destinies and for some men, their destiny is to marry a woman that will be more successful than them. It is important to see that success as yours too so that you will not lose a good woman God has blessed you with. Never make the mistake of being jealous of your own wife.

I am so glad I didn’t lose my good woman.

Chineke daalu 🙏🏽

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